Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.

If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.

To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.

unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.

put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes

I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”

decorating my apartment

Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting

Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.

Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*

Person: So, what’s your favourite book?

Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?

Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:

Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.

Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.

Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking

i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.

I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.

A scary book should be called a boOoOok.

Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’

I grow mine one time and…

“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”

I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.

Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.

6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…

Me: Sold!

There is wisdom there.