Bloody internet 😳
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[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.