Bloody internet 😳
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*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Saint West, the patron of selfies
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
