Bloody internet 😳
You Might Also Like
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Shouldn’t autocorrect be called autoassume?
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank