Bloody internet 😳
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Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing