Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.

But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.

Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.

When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.

Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie

can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.

Me: *getting struck by lightning*

Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?

Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me

Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?

that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)

Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited

Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.

*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”

*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”

I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.

Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.

“I hope to find you well.”

I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.

My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.

What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon

Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.

Me: This isn’t going to work out.

3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?

Her: I <3 you.

Me: I… I sideways balls you too.

when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”

It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.

I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!

Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search

Dentist: please stop

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.