Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.

Ketchup Packet: haha nope.

Me: come on man please.

Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.

Me: uh what?

Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.

Me: ugh fine.

[ketchup explodes everywhere]

Ketchup Packet: lol.

Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.

Who’s your best friend?

A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules

The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.

My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.

Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.

If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.

How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.

[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.

A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”

[Leaving bar]

GF: You okay to drive?

Me: I’m fine.

GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?

M: 2 guys, tops.

GF:

M:

GF:

M: What?

it’s not been my year

*gets bitten

*becomes shy shy

“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”