*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
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John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
