Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss

Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️‍🔥

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

Me: I slept through the second half of that movie

Kids: And the first half

Me: Yes

Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people

The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.

Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

How to make infinite energy.

I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.

In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

Him: I’m an animal person

Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?

Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.

McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order

You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?

Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance

[Deathbed]

Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo

Frodo: yes Gandalf?

Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say

Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?

Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket

landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?

ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.

new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby

friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop

Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to

friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha

Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.