Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
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My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
They’re really bad with fonts.
