Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
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I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Give a baker flours on your first date.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.