Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
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[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from