Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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[first day as an undercover cop]

mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan

me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?

People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.

Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh

Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?

-Summer

FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.

i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.

Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.

date: your glasses make you look smart

me: well i had to fail a test to get them so