*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
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Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?