*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
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You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
why isn’t he texting back
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.