*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
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My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Poetry is my passion
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1