Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.

Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”

Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”

Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”

ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year

Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.

My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.

Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!

The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.

[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo

Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.

There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.

I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.

“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion

My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

God: Done

Angel: you can’t be finished

God: I am

Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-

God: aaand send

Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.

I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate