Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball

[peeing behind a tree]

bonsai artist: I have restrooms

*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*

wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual

wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range

Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

Buying houses is mental

Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined

Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants

Not allowed to speak to the owner

Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds

every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less

There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

Search History:

Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #

[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button

her: what are you watching?

me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy

her:

me:

her: are you describing sh—

me: yeah it’s shrek again

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️

YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.

I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.

Finally!

STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves

IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.

Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.

I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers

My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep

Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working