@caseytduncan

(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)

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@RobDenBleyker

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

@Tommytoughstuff

“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”

@OctopusCaveman

Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?

Wife: Ewan McGreggor

Me: Thank you but you can only pick one

@KateWhineHall

7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]

@TheAlexNevil

*gets bitten by a radioactive bear

*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?

Me: I don’t know.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?

@pondermymaker

Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”

@HairyJew4Life

Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I’d say my biggest weakness is listening.

@Mom_Overboard

So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet