Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
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“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say my biggest weakness is listening.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet