(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
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If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
The 4 stages of a family vacation
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire