*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
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(grounding my kid) go outside.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week