@GimmieTheHam

*bludgeons you with a block of cheese

*eats evidence

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@scrappy_momma

Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.

@WilliamAder

Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.

@glamoureptile

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

@prufrockluvsong

[new coffee shop]

DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!

DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!

DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE

@Y2SHAF

why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this

@julcasagrande

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

@TheTrueDocLove

I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.

@tayziken

one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth

@aparnapkin

why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god