*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
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What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”