Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
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In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
i’m sure it’s fine
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old