Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.

I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.

Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals

Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?

Overheard

Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.

Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”

Oh thanks BBC.

[rubs magic lamp]

GENIE: You get 3 wishes

“Anything?”

GENIE: No wishin for more wishes

“I wish for more genies”

GENIE: I don’t like you

If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.

Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”

I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.

(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)

Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt

Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?

Mugger: no

Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”

I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him

I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

[English class]

Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon

Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security