Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
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I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Watching the news and they keep referring to the “late president Carter.” Let’s cut the guy some slack, how do you expect him to get anywhere on time? He’s dead!!
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool