Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
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It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
time machine? you mean a clock?
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.