Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.

I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving

One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.

I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive

Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol

ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?

50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun

50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.

“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”

{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”

My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.

Me: …Dad, this is a card game.

just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”

I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.

[grocery shopping]

“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”

I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS

Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over

Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.

I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.

[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]

GOD: a rat dog

ANGEL: check

GOD: that whispers to white people

ANGEL: what?

GOD: about the weather

ANGEL:

I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52

Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?

Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99

Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?

Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.