Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
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Mapping America’s Far Right
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
⚠️ Important Reminder:
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me