Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
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Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay