Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

grampa: why are u always on ur phone

me: why didn’t u stop hitler

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way

Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.

I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.

It’s for plane enthusiasts.

What were you thinking?

The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation

that’s my husband on the left and me on the right

Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.

Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.

Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.

My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation

society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool

People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder

[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)

[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons

$175 an hour, $175 an hour…

– my therapist’s notes

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

I know this now 😂

I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.

Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street

Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?

Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?

Me: I got the dirt off.

Wife: What does that mean?

Me: *hides the leaf blower*