Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud

That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork

Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.

If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.

God: check this out

Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do

God: I made parking cost $10

What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today

Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.

Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.

Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.

The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.

Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died

Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.

My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.

I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.

*bark*

“What’s that Lassie?”

*bark bark*

“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”

*bark*

“Ooh, dinnertime.”

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?

Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!

Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!

F2: no water

F3: no chemicals

Me: Your hair is filthy.

Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask

Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.

When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.

customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct