Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.

How I know this is unimportant.

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper

One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children

I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.

Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.

My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January

True.

How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.

This checks out

Give me Players for $500 Alex

“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”

What is checkmate?

“Wrong! What is your sex life”

[wife is gone]

me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings

10: did mom say you could?

me: it’s my house too!

10: but did she tell you that you could do that?

me: I can do what I want

10: I’m texting mom

babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

There’s a whole world of people out there!

*closes the door*

every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun

Funny women are smart. Be careful.

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?

Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree

“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”

~men about to have their bunny boiled

Impervious: being an admitted pervert

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?