Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
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The chart results are in…
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.