Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
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Them: Good morning
Me: Where?
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
when there are deer in the woods
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
