Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
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Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Miscakes
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
zone out
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!