Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

[first day as a doctor]

Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳

88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.

“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?

A spook-easy.

#dadjokes

If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat

Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?

Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.

Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.

Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.

This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad

“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?

If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.

for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.

SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?

Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.

They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.