Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Real House Wines.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Am getting real tired of your crap…
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.