Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever

The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.

All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.

My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ʸᵉˢ

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice

Psychiatrist: You seem much better!

Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask

If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂

Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?

☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇

If you love someone, let them tweet.

[job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!

REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?

ME: I did not realize that had started.

Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”

Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house

A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.

My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.

him: you any good at throwing axes

me: just call me lizzie borden

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.

On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”

Kids.

I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.

[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]

Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?

Wife: what?

Me, louder: I’m going to the bank

Wife: what?

Me: I’M LEAVING YOU

Wife: ok