Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again

women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,

*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*

thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT

Dogs lick you because they love you.

Cats lick you to see if you’re delicious yet.

My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.

Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?

When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.

Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.

All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.

me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam

Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?

[wheel of fortune]

me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel

I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot

Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?

so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.

When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.

My son’s high school is holding golf tryouts today. We currently have 40mph winds. I’m bringing popcorn because this is going to be awesome.

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.