Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.

You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.

Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.

Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”

me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”

W-“no”

Me- “who’s the expert now?”

Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.

Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.

A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.

All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.

The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline

People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.

Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …

When you have mixed feelings about bathtime

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

Update: going to a party where you don’t know the people is like seeing a movie sequel when you didn’t see the original.

You can still have a good time but you don’t really know what’s going on

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Helicopter pilot: …no.

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.