Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
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I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
i choose….tongue
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I think I’m gonna be sick
The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth– the groceries in the back of my car
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
My therapist after every session
