“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
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Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house