“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
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Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Weirdly Wednesday.
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Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!![]()
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.