“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
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WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
What the hell happened here.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]
Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.