Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.

why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

like swimming in quick dry cement

Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out

[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave

Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…

Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*

Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.

Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman

you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too

Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?

Passwords are more important than ever.

Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.

People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 🍩

I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.

a New Yorker reject, for you

Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance

I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.

I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.

my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree

Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop

who named him groot and not spruce lee

[home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?