Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
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Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?