Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]

And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”

Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date

The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.

Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?

Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.

April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?

A coconut on holiday!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.

God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously

There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!

Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day

What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.

As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.

This is bullshit.

batman: who do I see about this ticket?

cop: oh, I wrote it

batman: who tickets the batmobile!?

cop: you were illegally parked

batman: I was fighting crime!

cop: rules are rules

batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!

cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?

Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.

Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*

Vampire: Thank you.

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.

me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster

HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?

SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep

Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.