Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
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Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
This could’ve been an email.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Mad Max: Furry Road
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best