[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
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Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.