[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
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[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
How funny!
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is