Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”

A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.

“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run

That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”

ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?

pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied

Her: I’m leaving…

Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.

Her:…for the store.

Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?

Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL

* hangs up land-line *

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said

Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different

gentlemen, hear me out

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.

SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.

Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.

My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.

[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else

The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding

[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.

older women will do that thing you like.

~bake cookies

I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.