[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
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Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*