Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.

Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.

Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?

Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao

Accountant: what

Willy Wonka: what

Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.

You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?

Me: Midnight77

BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign

My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.

Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.

Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time

The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.

wife: tell me her name

*slap*

wife: TELL ME HER NAME

*slap slap*

wife: and where did you get a seal anyway

Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.

This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?

Architect: so for the bathroom-

Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable

Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap

my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.

Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year

Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.

Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

Doctor: How did you get this black eye?

Me: Walked into a door

Doc: Really?

Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.