Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.

The devil.

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.

I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!

[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click

inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.

Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?

Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.

Saw online –

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.

Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head

Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest

Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.

The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.

me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000

her: sure

me: k

I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!

She’s now Japaniece!

I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.

That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.

Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.

When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.