Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.

[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.

Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no

I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.

If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”

[Annual Review]

Boss: how do you think you performed this year?

Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.

Boss: you’re fired.

Me: This is such an accrual profession.

soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.

911: what’s your emergency?

me: there’s a really loud fight next door

911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun

me: omg thank you

Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible

My mama didn’t raise no fool.

Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.

Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.

My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord

ㅤ

PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.

Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon

Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.

Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long

Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.

6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.

I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”

-Trees