[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
orange cat behavior
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
