Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
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2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
95% of being a scientist is getting really excited to tell people about something catastrophic.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
wow
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
The second world war should have been called world war returns
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”