Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!

me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.

There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.

All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.

escape room employee: would you like a hint?

me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me

If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.

My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other

fun fact: nike is short for nichael

is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?

-first day at work, orientation question

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”

Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!

With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.

Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…

A bad parent with an ice cold beer.

16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’

Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’

16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘

Me: *slam

I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.

yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up

70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied

Me: Know any potato jokes?

My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?

My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…

I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know