Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named

Me: *Nodding* Fight Club

Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them

Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.

I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.

*whispers*
Judged you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.

The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.

Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!

Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.

Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah

Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock

KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!

Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.

every single time

“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.

Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.

Boss:…

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it

Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?

I think they could have phrased this better

Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them

Men: Remember that time…

Women: Yes