We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters
@MarfSalvador: [boarding a plane]
me: I'm nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
@TheWeirdWorld: Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
@UnfilteredMama: My kids never finish their dinner because they're saving room for bath water.
@JayCee302: I finally started writing the book on herbs I've been putting off for so long, I guess it's..
:looks directly at the camera:
@Fred_Delicious: *sits down in a classy as hell bar*
"barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn..."
"$200 every 4 months"
@Probgoblin: Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.