My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
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“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
*Hangs him on my wall as a trophy
*Too lazy to buy a sponge
*Uses Spongebob to clean toilet
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Fun Fact: When the bartender asks if you want two or three fingers, he isn’t always talking about the liquor.