[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

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My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better


“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*


I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.


*Goes fishing

*Catches Spongebob

*Hangs him on my wall as a trophy

*Too lazy to buy a sponge

*Uses Spongebob to clean toilet


If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.


My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *


Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..


I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”


Fun Fact: When the bartender asks if you want two or three fingers, he isn’t always talking about the liquor.