Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last

Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?

Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it

Not long enough ahhh haha ha

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.

*Hears sound in the middle of the night*

Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.

Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA

Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”

My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.

Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.

The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.

If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.

Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI

People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.

I know karate and tons of other words.

LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier

Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma

Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!

“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now