Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”

I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight

My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.

Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.

Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*

You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything

waiter: what’ll it be?

me: I’ll have chameleon

waiter: that’s not on the menu

me: how can you be sure?

Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.

May take them away tomorrow too.

Xylophonist Shredding It

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.

…. I have learned nothing.

30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years

[Space]

No-one: I can hear screaming

accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.

I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night