(Boarding flight to Iowa)
9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?
12 yo: corn on the cob
9 yo: what else?
12 yo: corn off the cob
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Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
No chill.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
straighten your back and drink some water you dehydrated banana
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy