*boarding helicopter to Jurassic World*
Pilot: Why do you guys keep going back there?
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I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
As I’m walking in the house the kids outside ask if it’s somebody’s birthday because I have balloons in my hand. I say “No, I just wanted balloons” and the little girl says ” you can do that?!”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer