@distracdad

*boarding helicopter to Jurassic World*

Pilot: Why do you guys keep going back there?

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@ObtuseHands

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

@Smug_Lemur

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

@annadrezen

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

@WilliamAder

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

@RodLacroix

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!

Me: It’s Tuesday.

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!

@freypalm

Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?

My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.

@FirstGentleman

As I’m walking in the house the kids outside ask if it’s somebody’s birthday because I have balloons in my hand. I say “No, I just wanted balloons” and the little girl says ” you can do that?!”

@suecorvette

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?