[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
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Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him