Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.

Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*

Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete

Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here

Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.

Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!

Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit

Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

To all newly married guys…..

If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.

Me: How was school?

9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.

Me: Was it fun?

9: No. They stopped the bus first.

Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?

If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.

I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.

Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.

Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

WIFE: you probably need a shower

KID: why? how do I smell?

ME: *without looking up* with your nose

[ no-look high five from WIFE ]

The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding

Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.

Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.

I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.

Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!