[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
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Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
*cough*
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted