Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I came, I saw, I got allergies

~ Julius Sneezer

<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.

How my city treated us singles yesterday😮‍💨😩

Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO

Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do

Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.

It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.

Wife: Can you turn on the computer?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]

Wife: why for everything

Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.

Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss

TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?

STUDENT: dammit I’m mad

TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else

Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you

“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!

My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.

Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.

BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU

ME: [wakes up] finally

BOOGEYMAN: what?

ME: let’s do this

BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it

ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour

BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.

Wolves should really raise more people.

#ParentingFacts

I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours