Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast

[Next morning, after I make pancakes]

My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal

I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.

If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?

My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!

Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.

*puts bike helmet on 4*

my brain: now knock on it a coupla times

me: why?

brain: you just gotta

this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.

Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.

“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”

Life: let’s gooo
Road conditions: fuck you

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.

every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun

Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.

wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche

who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.

took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”

“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”

“Covid.”

“Toddlers.”

What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?