[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
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5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.