[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
You Might Also Like
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
this isn’t threatening at all
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.