Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!

If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!

just gave my 5yo power of attorney

Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.

Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.

Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.

I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

Dear scientists,

We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer

16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day

*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*

DH: well this has been wonderful

I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”

Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.

Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.

Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)

When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!

Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏

I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

*feels comfortable*

comfortable: *slaps hand away*

I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.

If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.

My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.

If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.

“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.

When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”