Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.

Her: I live in Wales.

Me: like Jonah

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.

Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood

gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere

[Courtroom]

Judge: Have you been up before me?

Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?

A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.

Me: When the edibles kick in

Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif

Me: Exactly

[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one

The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed

He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!

Mobster: we need to set up a shell company

Lobster: let me handle this, boss

pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.

Shark week, but for squirrels.

Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”

Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.

“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

ocean: *waves*

me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity