[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
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“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.