boat question
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GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Great game to play with friends
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”